Being gay in 2012 is a lot harder than it looks, especially when you are a grumpy jerk like me. Here are some of the things that need to be stopped forever, please.
Anti-bullying campaigns.
Not that people should run around being mean, but I’d rather deal with someone who is a bully than someone who is just pretending to be nice because being nice is a thing right now. Remember when bullying was character-building and just a part of growing up? Now it’s synonymous with suicide! Everyone has to be nice to each other now, but it’s all so phony. I mean, I know that you don’t really like me, so just stop.
Anal sex.
Sorry, it’s just not worth it. Whether you’re topping or bottoming, it’s all too much work and too much risk, and I’m not talking about the risk of getting a disease. I’m talking about poop. Also, you can achieve the same results (cumming) through oral sex, which, if done right, feels just as good, if not better.
Ab Fab.
They’re drunk, I get it.
Doing coke.
I don’t care if it makes you a “fun drunk” or if it helps you “party the whole night.” Grow the fuck up, loser. You’re in your 30’s now (some of you are in your 40’s) and you are too old to be going to nightclubs, anyway. Speaking of which: Nightclubs.
Dan Savage.
Sometimes he is right about things, but lately he has been wrong about a lot of things, including his patronizing, self-serving, and ultimately worthless “It Gets Better” campaign. But Dan Savage’s even worse offense is his childish “Google Santorum” campaign. I support immaturity, but using made-up words about lube and shit to undermine or marginalize your political opponents means you’re just as crass and backwards as they are when they say that your gay marriage will lead to man-on-dog marriage. I guess it’s particularly frustrating because Dan Savage is so articulate and well-skilled when it comes to cutting down his adversaries simply by debating the issues. Why resort to lube/shit jokes? Don’t get me wrong, make as many lube/shit jokes as you want, but then, sorry, you don’t get to complain when some nut compares your sex life to bestiality.
Modern Family and American Horror Story.
A comedy that isn’t funny and a thriller that isn’t scary. The only way to make either of these intolerably lazy, unwatchable shows watchable would be to combine them into one. Take the dull, stereotypical characters on Modern Family (including the kids) and dump them into the American Horror Story house where they can proceed to be raped, murdered, set on fire, and forced to listen to Jessica Lange’s hammy monologues week after week until the season finale in which show creator Ryan Murphy blows himself up (in real life) and never produces another hour of television again.
“LGBT.”
Excuse me, but why do I (a gay) have to be lumped together with lesbians, bisexuals, and transgendered people? To be clear, I have nothing against the transgendered or the lesbians or the bisexuals. Some of my “best friends” are transgendered, lesbian, and bisexual (just kidding, I don’t even know any bisexuals). LGBT the acronym exists to group people together who are all supposedly different then straight people, but L’s and G’s and B’s and T’s are all very different from one another, so haphazardly grouping them together makes me uncomfortable. Bisexuals are usually more straight than they are gay, so we can cut them out, making it “LGT.” And transgendered people are transgendered usually because of which gender they self-identify as, not which gender they are sexually attracted to, so they’re not really gay or lesbian either. So, they’re out too, meaning the new acronym is just “LG.” But now people will think I’m a kitchen appliance, so let’s scrap the whole thing and do away with “groups” entirely. Keep me out of your acronyms.
Adele.
If she were thin, would people be all agog over Adele? Life is horrible enough, do I really need music to make me feel horribler? No. Whenever I hear “Someone Like You” I get depressed and want to eat fried food or a tub of ice cream (just like Adele!). On the bright side, the second syllable of Adele’s name reminds me of the first syllable of the only thing I can honestly say that I do like: Del Taco!
This post is revolting. How often have you held a gun to your head or thrown a noose around your neck and said, “This life is too much…”
To even belittle such an effort that is trying to save lives with problems we have all experienced… You really sound like a terrible person.
To exclude our transgender siblings from our fight… Way to abandon your comrades. We fight for equality together. Period. It doesn’t matter what gender you prefer, or what gender you identify as, we fight for all to be treated the same.
You sound hateful and this dialogue is potential dangerous to so many groups of people.
I’m surprised no one has thrown this word out yet… BIGOT. Preceded by “Zach is a…”
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO agree about Adele! I am not feeling it. If I never hear that bitch wailing over some man leaving/cheating on her again it will be too soon.
I like Modern Family though!
You forgot about Glee. I hate that shit. If I wanted to hear a bunch of too old to be teenagers butcher meh to okay music, I’d listen to kids bop.
I totally agree with the LGBT thing
y on earth r we lumped together, basically, everyone who isnt straight gets put under one accronym and said your a group now, have fun with that.
Hey! Some of my best friends are fried foods and tubs of ice cream!
It was one of my resolutions to read “The Sword” everyday as part of my morning ritual. There is at least one story each day that just makes me smile and laugh a little. Zach, we could have been separated at birth, except you got the good skinny genes and I got the fat ones. Your humor and style of writing makes this site one of the best. Keep up the great work in 2012! Can’t wait to read the comments from the haters.
OH YEAH – As someone else already mentioned, the only thing I would probably add to your list are those fucking NOH8 cheek and body tattoo/stamps.
Please consider adding that into the list.
Brother, I couldn’t agree with you more! Your list is A-list PERFECT and right on the mark!
Well, maybe except for the anal sex thing, the possible poop scare aspect aside, there’s really nothing more fun to me than the feeling when I break in a new “straight” boy by climbing up and mounting that ass and just fucking the holy livin hell out of it….. Oh come on, you know what I mean. LOL
Great list, really! Couldn’t have made one or said it better myself!
I LOVE the ‘LGBT’ rant. I couldn’t agree more!
I love you, Zach.
Wow! Bitter.
Sorry, Zach, but I don’t want to become so jaded that I can’t find Modern Family funny, which I do. Dan Savage is my hero, and I don’t see anything wrong with anti-bullying campaigns. But that’s just me.
Zach, there are times when I read your writing and I think, “We’re the same. Like, exactly the same.”
Can you please, please, please add those HIDEOUS NoH8 campaign photos? Cute idea at first and now they’re the most random ass annoying pics ever. Do people even know what they’re posing for or are they doing it bc it’s what all the cool gay kids are doing? The pics look so airbrushed and the guys look like they applied make up with paintbrushes. Yes, it’s my legal right to marry a dude but these pics are so fucking annoying. It’s even worse when people start bringing props into the pic and making faces like their on the catwalk in Milan. T-I-R-E-D.
How come nobody’s standing up for coke? Does it really make people less tolerable than Adele?
You are the Andy Rooney of gay media.
You forgot bloggers who consistently tear shit down.
I Second that
Leave Adele Alone!
Good lord, I thought this was a porn blog. When did it become Zach’s Personal Bitchfest tumblr?
thought wrong girlfriend
dudes calling each other girlfriend is on my list of things I don’t like :)
American television and pop culture is trash PERIOD. You can’t get good coke anymore anyway. Most gay men are fucked up because they were bullied in some way as a kid. I’d rather be called a fag than gay. The gay scene sucks. I love trannies and bull dykes … at least they’re being themselves. The “must straight acting and straight looking” rule is another form of gay self-loathing.
bitch, bitch, bitch…..
“Remember when bullying was character-building and just a part of growing up?”
I just love how lightly you take the fact that this “character-building” of yours actually caused the deaths of so many people not just in the US but also in other countries–especially the ones in Asia. Perhaps they could’ve said the same thing if they weren’t dead. I get it. Whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. But if it does kill you, does that mean you’re a stronger corpse? Wow. So 70’s.
“Now it’s synonymous with suicide! Everyone has to be nice to each other now, but it’s all so phony. I mean, I know that you don’t really like me, so just stop.”
Correct me if I’m wrong but is being nice the same as being civil now? WOW. No wonder you love making fun of the headlines in Huffington Post.
And by the way, Zach, the last time I checked, no one is forcing you to like them. But as someone who had a friend that killed him self over matters related to bullying and prejudice, perhaps I am within my right to tell you how “lovely a person you are” for undermining something that has been making people lose their loved ones.
Remember. In your world civil=nice.
Adele, Modern Family and American Horror Story!!
Bitch Now You’ve Gone Too Far! LOL!
Actually I really liked this piece. Funny.
In my day, if we were bullied we learned to kick the bully’s ass and no one messed with you again. Suicide was saved for shit that was actually suicide-worthy, like the empty and soul-crushing existence of being an Asian adult. Kids today – or rather, the parents of kids today who shove this mentality onto their spawn – are just whiny and weak and need to get over themselves.
LOL. I love how your experiences are supposed to be the same as that of other kids. And I love how they’re supposed to be the same as you. Speaking of which, one of the main arguments of the conservative straight is this: if they are capable of “suppressing their demons,” why can’t we? A lot of them also ask as to why anyone would want to have sex with people of the same gender if they’re not into it. Great, right. I’m glad you find it comfortable to be just like the people who have been condemning us for centuries. LOL.
Also, the whole “our generation is tougher” bullshit is so passe. It’s like saying that you wish people don’t have cars because migration gave people better leg muscles. Sit down.
“Kids today – or rather, the parents of kids today who shove this mentality onto their spawn – are just whiny and weak and need to get over themselves.”
Oh, you mean majority of the same parents who do not accept the fact that people are willing to degrade their children just because they’re gay? You mean the same parents that helped get better rights for their kids. WOW. I love how bitter old queens like you act like stereotypical African-American black supremacists. Apparently no matter what people do, they’re still the enemy.
Thank you for trying to push back our cause for a thousand years.
“LOL. I love how your experiences are supposed to be the same as that of other kids….Thank you for trying to push back our cause for a thousand years.”
So you’re arguing that I think other kids’ experiences are/should be the same as my own, and cap off your ride on your own high horse by speaking for the entire gay community yourself? Whiny bitch please. Whine hypocritically elsewhere.
Oh please. In your day you ran and cowered like everyone else. Dear old head queens: PLEASE stop making your past Valhalla. It was not!
You’re absolutely right. My childhood was not “Valhalla”. It was “life in the fucking ghetto.” And if a big nelly queen like me can get through that shit, today’s whiners are not entitled to suicide because they have to go through infinitely lesser shit. No one’s asking you to lead an army against anyone who bullies you – just to grow some balls. Bullying is never worth suicide, and anyone who believes otherwise is weak.
And incidentally, the only times I ran and cowered were from drive-bys and food fights. What’s your excuse?
OK. I’m convinced. You fought the bullies, triple snapped, and then went home to listen to your Brothers Johnson albums. Or maybe the soundtrack from Claudine (Google it Mr. Ghetto man)?
Kisses
james
I love ya Zach! Seriously, you are so un-PC and I love it. Whether I agree with you or not, and I have to say, most of the items on your list I was nodding my head, you say it. It is SO getting on my nerves these self-righteous, PC people. Refreshing to read something that is different! And I do have to agree with the LGBT and ESPECIALLY the Q! For god’s sake, Questioning? Questioning just means you are horny. Geez!
LGBT’s most useful purpose is to bring a group together for advocacy for political rights and resources.
Dan Savage- you have it backwards. Santorum first said the dog-on-man comment, then Savage made the site. So, really your comment “Don’t get me wrong, make as many lube/shit jokes as you want, but then, sorry, you don’t get to complain when some nut compares your sex life to bestiality.” ought to be directed to Santorum not Savage. He can’t complain about people degrading his worldview when he’s making man on dog jokes.
Adele is annoying as hell, the only thing she ever sings about is how sad she is that a man left her blah blah blah. I know this is a terrible terrible thing to say, but I honestly think American people love her so much simply because they can relate to her, “on a bigger scale”, if you know what I mean.
I don’t like her lyrics but I love her voice. I can’t relate to it. I’m from Soho. I do believe that puts a dent to your theory.
Yea I’m the same way I love her voice that voice is true talent. Although I didn’t know that’s what Adele sings about all the time as I’m terrible at interpreting lyrics and poems lol. She could’ve been singing about a bad douching experience and I would still appreciate her voice lol
After I read an interview of Adele’s, where she was discussing her extreme stage fright and how it terrifies her so much to perform she throws up and shits her pants. I can’t hate her anymore. Now, when I see her, performing or being interviewed, I’m too distracted/amused wondering is she has shit in her in pants to think about how much I hate her. I’m really glad I read that interview it was quite freeing.
I definitely agree with the LGBT, as lesbians don’t go through the same gaybashing that male homosexuals do. Lesbianism is idolized by straight males, and many females at one point in their life have a lesbian experience (whether it’s just simple kissing or go all the way). And I have my personal opinions against sex-changing trannies that I wish not to get into more details. Let’s just say that I don’t like to bundled up with them.
And I’m sick of the Lady Gagas, the Britney Spears or whatever gay pop music icons are out there. If we’re gonna have gay music icons, can’t they at least be GAY???
I agree completely, Elton John in my gay music Icon.
Anti-bullying campaigns—Well, I agree to a certain point. It shouldn’t about being phony and fake ‘liking’ people(is your name, Holden?)…it should be about the freedom to be different, without ridicule. If some kid doesn’t buy into the whole educational experience of joining cliches and worshiping trends, then they should be penalized for not be being ‘cool’ enough. So an anti-bullying campaign really should be a anti-hazing policy movement that wants to help all kids in educational system.
On a side note: often times the tormenter of the class ‘fairy’ bullies to repress his own sexual desires to fuck guys. It is totally psychological, ‘hey don’t look at me,(points at classmate) he is the fag!’
Anal sex–yeah, I haven’t met a partner yet that has made it enjoyable. Rimming is okay.
Ab Fab.–yes, very trite and boring after all the repetitive shenanigans.
Doing coke.–I prefer Dr. Pepper over coke.
Dan Savage—Never read his column and the only handful of times I know of him are from TV. Not special. Never paid attention.
Modern Family and American Horror Story.–never watched these shows and don’t care to.
“LGBT.”—DAM STRAIGHT!!!! Totally agree with this. The experience of being transgender is different than being gay, which is different than being a lesbian. So what is the point of this grouping when there isn’t really a common denominator?
Adele–I don’t feel bad or depressed after listening to her. So, I’m a little lost on this point of topic. Maybe you should take some anti-depressants for your problems Zack.
“On a side note: often times the tormenter of the class ‘fairy’ bullies to repress his own sexual desires to fuck guys. It is totally psychological, ‘hey don’t look at me,(points at classmate) he is the fag!’”
Are we still taking points from Glee? The last time I checked, majority of them are from families founded in religious zealotry; people who don’t just want you hurt but also dead or gone. Oh but wait, does that “stereotype” only apply to places where members of the LGBT (or as you would prefer “L,G,B and T”) can afford to be so ignorantly out of touch? A place where Zach probably got the “building” for his oh so mighty “character?
Perhaps I didn’t get the memo.
I guess you did miss the memo. There have been studies, which have proven that homophobes are aroused by gay sex.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8772014
In a similar vain, there’s a documentary called Licensed to Kill (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119530/) in which the filmmaker interviews murderers convicted of killing gay men. Most, if not all, the killers ping to high heaven.
Sure growing up in families that teach hatred doesn’t help, but I’d wager that these homophobes own self-loathing helped fuel the attacks and bullying.
Zach. You are an idiot for not liking Adele. She is such a talented young woman and she deserves respect!
So all that’s left is porn and suicide. Man, you must be fun on a Saturday night.
Thanks for mentioning the ‘Modern Family’/’American Horror Story’ madness that I keep running into — people love this shite and I find both series dull and lifeless. Horror stories on today’s screens (TV and movies) that substitute gothic oddity and familiar horror cliches, for real, harrowing, button-pushing scares, are soul-deadening.
And on the LGBTQ thing — it is mainly a question of utility. “LGBTQ” is more useful for high-school and college gay groups, as well as local city youth groups, as these organizations are composed of and cater to newly-out fags and dykes and everything in between, and it’s great for many of us at that time in our lives to be able to find these groups, learn about each other, and realize how much more we have in common than how much we are different, especially in today’s dicey and often brutal political environment. But I agree it’s tiresome to continue this specific acronym beyond these arenas into full-on, adult identity politics. We cocksuckers, or queers, or whatever one wants to identify as, should be taking the lead and coming up with alternative solutions to naming or grouping ourselves, and the instinct behind this blog post is part of this process.
But I think saying, as come of the commenters are doing, that we should cut our associations with bisexuals or transsexuals, is stupid. Especially in major urban centers, but found everywhere really, you’ll see that many trannies live lives very much in common with fags and dykes, and not all are just trying to transition into a conservative and rigid traditional gender identity. We are more powerful as a political and cultural force with all of them on our side. Rejecting or pushing them away, via bars, political groups, or online media, is silly and short-sighted.
As for bisexuals, too bad ladies, they are probably the largest sexual sub-group in existence today. They just don’t bother to organize or identify themselves in the same ways as gays have done over the years. Even the word “bisexual” doesn’t describe what’s really going on in the minds and bedrooms of the world’s cock ‘n’ pussy suckers. This is the their special gift. I, personally, love it and them . . . wherever, and whoever they are.
I love AbFab and Golden Girls and could watch them both every day for the rest of my life. If my house was on fire the entire DVD collection of each would be saved before anything else.
Lady Gaga thinks Robecca black is a “genius” I suppose Gaga also thinks the elephant that ate his own poop on youtube that generated the same ammount of hits is also a genius.
I’ve never heard of Adele.
Plenty more things to dislike, when’s the next installment?
I think I love you, but yeah you forgot lady gag.
yeah, but she’s too obvious and not worth the keystrokes.
ha :)
This is brilliant. I have had these thoughts many times. Except icenjoy modern family although the novelty is wearing off and “set fire to the rain” is good, in my opinion.
You forgot Lady Gaga.
SO TRUE. Glad someone said it!
AMEN…Gaga is at the top of the list…gay anthem or not!
Did Oscar the Grouch resign and this is your audition piece? LOL! Uh, BTW, no anal sex means you’re out of job reporting about porn.
Never ever liked being grouped with BT in the GLBT, seems I can pull off the GL with my conservative family but the BT throws them and puts me back at square one in lobbying for their understanding. Thank you for your very well written observation.
Oh, poor W, Hurt! Your family would be so into you and your man getting married, but that’s thwarted by those nasty Bs and Ts. Damn them for holding back the revolution! :-)
Dude: please stop putting your kin’s issues on the B and T.
Totally with you on “LGBT”. Especially since it’s been extended to LGBTQIA. I mean, “Questioning”?! WTF?!
This.
I disagree with a couple of the things mentioned. Sure, we have all our likes and dislikes and topics that annoy us or interest us tremendously, but I kind of feel this blog entry “tries too hard” to be controversial and reminds me of the gawker (or was it queerty?) blog entry about those oh-so very policically incorrect secrets lurking in the gay community that popped up recently.
I almost never agree with you…but damn I hate all of that stuff as well.
I personally don’t want to be lumped in with transexuals ever. I can’t hate on straight people for hating me for being gay when I feel the same disgust they have towards me towards trannies. I think everyone has that line they draw at what makes them uncomfortable. Homophobes are grossed out by Gays and Trannies. Many gays are grossed out by vaginas. I’m just grossed out by trannies…and really butch lesbians like my aunt who has a mullet and a wallet attached to a chain.
Adele is so overrated. I still love her tho/
I laughed so hard!
You don’t always get it right Zach, but when you do it’s gold!
Nothing wrong with the list. You will be excommunicated, but you’ll survive. We kicked out queens have given up our Adele records for Cassandra Wilson. And by we, I mean me.