But it’s at times like these that those of us proud heathens and pervs should breathe a small sigh of relief and thank our Higher Power that
eventually, no matter how loud or assholic or powerful they are in
life, everyone croaks. There was dancing on Castro Street the day Ronald Reagan kicked
it. Below, a list of other misguided individuals who also, praise Jesus, will not be
with us much longer.
Anita Bryant
Age: 68
We were just thinking of her recently, so we decided to look up how old she is-and wouldn’t you know it, she is getting up there! Good old Anita was the biggest pain in every gay’s ass in the 70s (aside from the rawness left after all that bareback fucking!), going on television and decrying the early achievements of the gay rights movement. A former Miss Oklahoma and singer of shitty early 60s pop music, she later became spokeswoman for the Florida Citrus Commission and in 1977 orchestrated the repeal of a local ordinance in Miami that prohibited discrimination based on sexual orientation -an ordinance which was not reinstated until 1998. She was quoted as saying, “If gays are granted rights, next we’ll have to give rights to prostitutes and to people who sleep with St. Bernards and to nail biters.” She later said she’d adopted a more “live and let live” view, however she’s recently been seen at campaign events for animal-sex-loving candidate Mike Huckabee, so it’s hard to imagine she’s changed. She is one of the most loathed figures amongst older homos, but her work against the nascent gay rights movement proved so unsuccessful that she is barely talked about anymore and twentysomething gays have never heard of her. Unfortunately, thanks to the embalming qualities of Florida air and all that orange juice, the bitch has probably got at least another decade in her, if not two. Expected death: 2020, give or take.
Dick Cheney
Age: 67
The Dark Overlord of our little empire republic, Vice President Richard B. Cheney has done and said plenty that most of you already know about. To recap: He spearheaded the effort to get us into the Iraq Quagmire, is a sometime hunting buddy of Antonin Scalia and has a gay daughter whom he doesn’t like to acknowledge. He served as White House Chief of Staff under Ford and Defense Secretary under the first Bush, and in between, as a Congressman from Wyoming, he voted against the Equal Rights Amendment (1983). He likes to quote the philosopher Hobbes (“the life of man [without civil authority is] poor, solitary, nasty, brutish, and short”) and has lined his pockets with war profits since before taking office. He has heart problems and probably eats a lot of steak, so we’re hoping his brutish life ends shortly. Expected death: 2012
Jesse Helms
Age: 86
As a five-term Republican Senator from North Carolina, Jesse Helms had a lot of time to do a lot of damage in the name of Christian morality. Largely inspired by his personal revulsion for the artwork of Andres Serrano (he of “Piss Christ” fame) and Robert Mapplethorpe, Helms led a campaign in the late 80s and early 90s to audit the artistic worth of recipients of National Endowment for the Arts grants. On the work of Mapplethorpe, Helms said, “If someone wants to write ugly nasty things on the men’s room wall, the taxpayers do not provide the crayon.” A proud Clinton-hater and vocal opponent of school integration and abortion, Helms is the kind of bigoted “straight-shooter” Southerner our current President modeled his own persona after. “This Senator is not a goody-goody two shoes,” Helms said in 1987. “I’ve lived a long time,
but every Christian ethic cries out for me to do something. I call a
spade a spade, a perverted human being a perverted human being.” Lately we hear he has multi-infarct dementia and is waiting to die in a nursing home. Ah well. Expected death: Any day now.
Fred Phelps Sr.
Age: 78
Though we’re loathe to give the man any more of the attention he so pathologically craves, we have to say he’s near the top of our list of Why-Won’t-You-Die-Alreadys. The head of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka Kansas, he’s a crackpot Calvinist and egomaniacal preacher of hate with a congregation that numbers somewhere between 70 and 100, most of whom are related to him. For years he’s been dragging his followers from pride parade to pride parade, holding up signs that say “God Hates Fags,” but he gained national fame largely from his appearance at the funeral of gay saint and assumed Romaine Patterson pal, Matthew Shepard. The wrong Reverend already looks like the spawn of the Crypt Keeper and Henry Kane from Poltergeist 3, and all that rage can’t be good for anyone’s health, but unfortunately he has a son and namesake who will probably take over wherever he leaves off. Anyway, he’ll be worm food any second. Expected death: 2009
Antonin Scalia
Age: 72
He’s the “strict originalist” the Bushies have modeled their Supreme Court nominees after, and his death is about the only way liberals have an eightball’s chance in LA of regaining a majority on the high court. (Because we like you, and we don’t want you to feel dumb, we’ll just explain here that “originalism” or “textualism” as Scalia defines it is basically the idea that we are supposed to interpret the Constitution exactly as the writers intended 200+ years ago before there were such things, for instance, as gays, computers, abortion, or freedom for black people.) He’s a Catholic and one of the most brilliantly single-minded people you’ll ever listen to, and despite his endearing reported kinship over opera and martinis with Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, we’d really love it he bought the farm before she did. Sadly, we don’t think we’ll get our wish. Expected death: 2020
RELATED:
Anita Bryant Nailed With Pie ca. 1977
Gay Restroom Goblin Officially Brings Discredit On Senate
