The Sword’s Sexiest Man Of The Year: Garrett Michaels!

Hey guys, it’s me…Chelsea! What’s up, bitches!?! Due to popular demand, I’ve been asked back to The Sword to write one more post, and I couldn’t let the opportunity pass without giving props to my sexiest man of 2012, hunky adult superstar Garrett Michaels!

Before any of you accuse me of playing favorites given my not-so-secret past with Garrett, let me remind you that I’m a journalist first, and a woman in my prime second. My decision to honor Garrett has pretty much nothing to do with the fact that I had an affair with him in Cancun last April (before I became a journalist and before he became an internationally recognized model) and everything to do with the fact that he is simply the sexiest man of 2012. I mean, it’s not even a question, hello. #sorryboutit

Any unresolved feelings and attraction I might have for Garrett (and I admit there is some, but can you blame me?) is a moot point considering that based purely on aesthetics he is the ideal male specimen. From his golden mane of hair to his tall and expressive forehead to his chiseled jawline to his taut physique to his rather impressive manhood, Garrett reminds everyone of that classic male beauty from centuries ago—the kind we can only dream about now. The kind who knows how to make a woman feel that she has value and a place in this crazy ass world. The kind who holds us after making love under the moon, cradling us in his arms as the waves crash against the shore while the distant hum of a mariachi band lulls me to sleep and then I wake up three hours later and he was fucking gone! What the fuck!!

Anyways, at the end of the day though, it all comes down to objectivity. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the course of this year as an intern and then as a journalist and now as a waitress at Red Lobster, it’s that all that matters is the truth. And the truth is, Garrett Michaels is The Sword’s Sexiest Man of 2012 regardless of what he did to me last April and regardless of what he is going to do to me in early January after I call him from the hospital and he finds out that he is a new father. That’s right, bitches!! My due date is January 6th ;)

Please help me in celebrating Garrett Michaels as The Sword’s Sexiest Man of 2012, and don’t forget to always be objective and tell the truth in your own personal lives! And don’t forget that I’m registered at Toys ‘R Us and Baby Gap under “ChelseaTheSword.” *wink*

And that’s what Chelsea thinks. Thanks, guys.

 

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16 Responses to “The Sword’s Sexiest Man Of The Year: Garrett Michaels!”

  1. Jason says:

    This is THE BEST in every way describable.

  2. S.B says:

    Lol love ya Chelsea!

  3. ceem says:

    How did i get on the granny porn site?

  4. sxg says:

    I’ve got the Anderson Cooper giggles because of this!

  5. Karl Rove's Mama's Dead Vag says:

    Hands off, BITCH!

    Paula Broadwell

  6. doubledose says:

    Lools like the guy who played Cher’s son in mask.

  7. Bull says:

    LOL@ Red Lobster!………

  8. ChelseaFan says:

    So glad Chels told us where she’s registered. I already bought her the baby backpack.

  9. aslogan says:

    Of course there had to be something to balance out the return of Lukas Ridgeston. Nature abhors a vacuum.

  10. yoyo69 says:

    ok….when i look at him i see…..that guy from the 90s who sang ‘lullaby’….shawn mullins i think?? lmfao AND i also kinda see the villain from Ghostbusters 2..the one in the painting

  11. Catsand says:

    Bitch got some nasty ass taste in men

  12. Marty says:

    Please stay off the bath salts!

  13. crag says:

    he looks a little like Chelsea lately in the first picture no?

  14. RC says:

    He looks like William H Macy and Haley Joel Osment had a love child.

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