The answer, which comes to us via The National Enquirer: Turn on the lights, say “Chop chop ladies!” and go on about your workout business!

It seems that while incarcerated at Alderson Federal Prison Camp in 2004, Martha Stewart made pals with one Lisa Guarino, a tough Italian broad who was serving 40 months for cocaine possession.  Lisa leant her some blush and the two were regular workout buddies each evening in the low-security facility’s rec center. “Martha and I would do crunches,” Guarino says. “I would count in English and Martha would count in French.”

But one night, after walking in on a big old lez fest in the workout room, Martha received her first death threat from one of her fellow inmates.

As Ms. Guarino recounts:

“We were going to the usual room we used and the lights were off, which was odd. Then  I looked through the window and  I could make out some lesbians having sex.

“I warned Martha not to go in there, but she said it was our time to exercise, swung open the door, turned on the light and said, ‘Chop! Chop! Ladies.’

“There were about four lesbian couples in there, most of them semi-clothed and all of them had clearly been fooling around.  The women were more masculine looking than boxers, and as they came out of the room, one of them said she was going to kill Martha!

“Martha into the room began panicking when she realized they were serious.  She went white and began shaking. ‘Don’t let them hurt me!’ she said.“

So Guarino’s now pissed because she’s got breast cancer and after she “saved the domestic diva from two attempts on her life” Martha made some empty promise about finding her the best doctor as soon as she got out of prison.  Now Martha won’t take her calls, so she took her plea to the Enquirer. 

Anyway, terrific story, Lis.  We’re sure Martha’s going to return those calls now… not.

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Martha Stewart Prison Pal Tell-All (National Enquirer)