“Here are ways to help bring a little sexy back home”

Oh, lord. It’s one of those lists that promises to “spice up your love life.” Cosmopolitan has been doing this for women for the past seven thousand years, but here’s the gay version, which is just as obvious and just as boring.

It’s part of a “Dating 101” series from Gay.com’s blog, Gay.net, and it’s “presented” by what looks like a very gay alcoholic beverage called “Chambord,” which makes sense because you’d have to be drunk to be wasting your time reading this list, and my reaction to it. I’m drunk right now.

Flirt
Sneak a wink in public or flash a white smile at him from across a room—because a cute, bright smile always catches a man’s eye. Secret nudges and hand squeezes that others can’t see are other simple sparks that can keep those romantic flames flying high.

Winking. OK, I love winking. But what if you can’t afford to have white teeth? Will a “yellow smile” work?

Groom for Your Guy
It’s great that your relationship is at a point where you’re comfortable zoning out in front of the TV on a Saturday morning, wrapped in your favorite old t-shirt, and sporting a major case of bed-head with your morning coffee. Nevertheless, you still want to have nice hair, wear something cute, and have a white, fresh smile. Keep things neat to show him you still care about the both of you.

Keep things neat. Wear something cute. Nice hair. The hell? Who wrote this list, my great grandmother? And again with the white? (My great grandmother was racist.)

Surprise Him
Whether its tickets to a sporting event or a candlelight dinner at home, keep him on his toes with a sweet surprise he’ll never see coming. Maybe a hand-written note secretly stashed in his jacket pocket or a text that says, “I <3 you…” for no other reason than “just because.” It’s a simple, wonderful way to express your feelings through action.

How about you “surprise him” with a blowjob? At what point does this list mention giving your boyfriend a blowjob? Is there literally any single greater selfless act of kindness that you can give to someone that is more generous than an amazing blowjob?

Pamper Him
A little pampering goes a long way. A genuine compliment, soothing back rub, or his favorite dinner will remind him that you still think he’s number one. Cleaning his car, pressing a shirt, or doing any practical chore for him will make his life a little easier and remind him that he’s got a great guy in his life as well.

BLOWJOB?? Hello???

Compliment Him
You obviously care about him, so let him know. Compliment his looks, his honesty, or just let him know you appreciate him. Sometimes we assume the other guy knows, but a few simple words can really bring the point home. Romance is always fantastic, but an ego stroke will perk a man up better than any amount of cocktails or chocolates.

I will give all of the executives of CHAMBORD insane blowjobs if they let me re-write this list for them.

[Gay.net: Fast Ways to Spice Up Your Dates]