5 Ways to Fuck Mother Earth Organically

1. Only Accept In Organic
According to Greenpeace Netherlands, the buttplug and dildo market is saturated with harmful products that contain “phthalate plasticisers.” Those are plastics that wreak havoc on the environment because they never fully break down. Greenpeace also claims that they’re harmful to the inner organs. The European Union has officially disagreed, though, saying that these plastics have been around for 50 years without any documented problems. We agree with the EU, not only because Greenpeace is annoying, but also because the Phthalate Plasticiser mask pictured at right is hot. Image c/o Trikoot.

2. Anal The Way Nature Intended
Good Clean Love is a lube company that urges you to “make your love sustainable.” We thought that a sustainable relationship involved deleting last night’s outgoing text messages, but according to this company, it actually involves using Earth-friendly lube. Good Clean Love’s lube contains no petro-chemicals or parabens, whatever the fuck those are, and it comes in yoga-mom flavors like Peppermint and Lavendar Rose.

3. Practice Makes Perfect
Japanese Bijo to Yaju (Beauty and the Beast) is so committed to green sex products that an employee used recycled pillows to hand-create a life-size rabbit mannequin used to practice S&M techniques. “Ropes and candles used during the practice sessions are also fully recyclable. Bijo to Yaju’s napkins and toilet paper are made by 100 percent recycled paper and it does not offer the disposable wooden chopsticks used almost universally in Japanese eateries.” You can also save materials by purchasing only half a sex mannequin.

4. Make Your Toys Multi-Orgasmic
Dreamscapes, LLC hopes to facilitate the recycling of sex toys. Consumers can send Dreamscapes dildos, plugs and vibrators — cleaned, please — and the company will disassemble the toys and repurpose their parts. The company even offers giftcards to an online vibrator shop as an incentive. Email Dreamscapes for more info here.

5. Harness the Power of Gaia!
If you’re feeling guilty about sacrificing cows for your leather perversions, why not the dildo harness pictured at right? It’s a 100% recycled rubber dick that attaches to your thigh. Spice things up; pretend you’re a lesbian.