John “D’oh!” from small-town Newburgh, NY, rushed himself to the hospital this week after his penis became lodged in a small steel pipe. (It’s dimensions: one inch long by one inch wide.)

Hospital workers were unable to dislodge the man’s penis from the pipe, which had begun to swell and turn purple. So they called in a firefighter to help. Using a wizzer saw — an automative tool powered with air bottles — the valiant firefighter severed the pipe bit by bit, taking frequent breaks to allow the saw to cool. During the process the senior citizen told the firefighter, “Just don’t cut it off.”

Now that is some good advice. It reminds us of one of our favorite nuggets of wisdom. Our mother shared it with us long ago. It goes something like this: “Don’t stick your penis in any small steel pipes.” Anyway, in the end, the randy granddaddy was freed just fine and apparently left the hospital unharmed. Though the chief firefighter reportedly did not press for details.

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Newburgh Firefighter Uses Saw for Delicate Operation (Times Herald-Record)