Our beloved national icon of all things blonde and cunty has found some odd-dozen trashbags, a virgin, and two homos and placed them in an expansive Beverly Hills manse in order to participate in challenges so that she can discover her new “BFF.”  Among the challenges are a fabulous makeover and attempt at a red carpet fuck-you moment; who can make the most heartfelt toast to Paris in front of her mother; and of course, who can party the hardest and longest (no, really, that was actually the challenge last week). The festivities culminate weekly in a completely bitchy elimination ceremony in which two are put up for elimination while the rest of the girls get chances at pouring salt in the wound before Paris lets one of them know, “Our friendship has ended. TTYN (Talk To You Never)!”

We know, we know… you’re thinking to yourself: “Why in the name of Aaliyah would I be interested in some stupid reality series that stars Paris Hilton? Hasn’t that happened already? Who gives a flying boner?”

Did we mention that one of the two gay male contestants is the fabulous ONCH? A miniature he-she Asian cartoon in raver candy, Onch has already barfed in public, dirty-danced with a sleazy Italian man, been mistaken for a girl by a club trick and Kathy Hilton, rubbed someone’s toothbrush in his ass crack, and barfed in public (did we say that already?). On next week’s episode, Onch goes on a roller coaster, and barfs in public! We think we’re in luff!

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