Officials from Malawi Child Welfare Services have now said that because of the divorce, Madonna will not be approved for a second adoption. The adoption in question, which appears to have been one of the issues at the heart of the split with Guy Ritchie, involved one Mercy James, a young orphan Madge has had her eye on since 2006. The extended family of Mercy James had already put up considerable resistance to the prospect of her being taken out of the country.

Second, as Madonna prepares for what Agent Bedhead calls her “transatlantic nuclear holocaust of a divorce,” she seems to want to drag everyone along on her sad, sweat-suited, publicity-soaked train. London gal pal Gwyneth Paltrow has apparently been “a rock” throughout the ordeal, and Madge would love it old Gwyn would come along back to New York with her to keep her company during the ten minutes a day when she isn’t doing yoga-lates, fucking A-Rod, chanting from the Kabbalah prayer book, screaming at her children, or sleeping upside down in a meat locker.

She has also, apparently, been pestering A-Rod to follow her around the world–first, as her Sticky and Old tour heads to South America, and then as she hops over to Malawi to check on her Kabbalah-inspired orphanage building project.

While there, we imagine she will also put a hit out on whoever is denying her that second adoption. Expect her to return with at least three newly purchased orphans attached to her teats.

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I Want Half: A Timeline of Notable Celeb Divorces
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Madam-ification of Madonna Commences

Madonna Barred from Second Malawian Adoption (Celebitchy)
Madonna’s Plan to Destroy America (Agent Bedhead)
Madonna Plans Trip with A-Rod (Celebitchy)