Two Jagers and a Long Island: A Sword Guide to Not Looking Like an Asshole at the Bar

Just like you should adapt the way you dress to the venue and city in question–that Dolce ensemble might fit in perfectly in the douchier clubs of WeHo and NYC, but a polo or a fitted t-shirt are more de rigeur in the gay bars of San Francisco–your drink order might need to change depending on where you are.

For instance, unless you’re planning on tipping really well and standing still in a corner, ordering something “up” in a martini glass is just asking for attitude and for half of it to be spilled on the floor.  Even the bitches on Sex in the City ordered appropriately for their surroundings.

Here are my suggestions for revising your drink order, in case you were thinking of asking for any of the following on a busy Saturday night:


Don’t order an Old Fashioned.
What are you, 60? While at fancier cocktail venues this drink might be coming back, I say leave it in the past. It’s a pain in the ass to make and not appropriate for any busy weekend night.

Instead, try a Maker’s and Ginger.
It’s a classic highball, and it’ll give you the same kick. If you want something sweeter, try a Washington Apple: Crown Royal with Apple pucker and a splash of cran.


Don’t order a Singapore Sling.
This shit is just disgusting and I don’t care how much you like the name. It has *cherry brandy* in it.

Instead, try a Lindsay Lohan.
It’s a classic Redheaded Slut with a splash of coke. (Jager, Peach Schnapps, cranberry juice, splash of coke.) Ba dum bump.


Don’t order a Long Island Iced Tea or an AMF.

What are you, 19?  This is the first sign of Amateur Hour and it’s even worse if you use the abbreviation AMF for the Long Island variation known as the Adios Motherfucker, which has no coke and a splash of blue curacao.

Instead, try a gay man classic like a Man Cran.
It’s an Absolut Mandarin with cranberry — a twist on a Cape Cod that, if strong enough, will fuck you up just as fast as the above, and with a lot more class.


Don’t order a Cosmo.
It’s not 1999 anymore and this is not your living room. It will spill, and you will look like more of a ‘mo carrying it around than you already are.

Instead, try an Orange Kamikaze.
If you insist on diluting your vodka with sweeteners, try this new favorite of mine: mix of orange-flavored vodka with Cointreau or Triple Sec and lime juice. Added bonus: it can be served neatly in a lowball glass or shot.

Don’t order anything with the word Orgasm in it.

The bartender won’t know what the fuck you’re talking about because these drinks went out of style fifteen years ago.

try a Vodka Press.

It’s vodka with equal parts 7-Up and club soda. Light, not overpoweringly sweet and easy to make. Your bartender will thank you, and you might even get your third one free if you tip well enough. Cheers.

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No Responses to “Two Jagers and a Long Island: A Sword Guide to Not Looking Like an Asshole at the Bar”

  1. matt says:

    Fuck Yuri…I like old fashioneds and i don’t care what he says!

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