For others in the gay-o-sphere, it’s the one day of year when they’re free to dress like a sexy jack-o-lantern just like any prepubescent whore might at the local junior high school.
We’re not hating, we LOVE sluts and their funny outfits. Show off your gym bod on this unholiest of holy days if you must! But just so you know, we’ve been looking around the pumpkin patch, and some of your looks are T-I-R-E-D.
And now, let’s just pay tribute to Mr. Blackwell for a sec and give you our list of ten costumes you have got to stop wearing this year.
10. Sexy Clowns
Come on, you creepy perverts. We shouldn’t have to tell you this is wrong. Funny, yes. Scary, definitely. Sexy? NEVER! CLOWNS WILL NEVER BE SEXY. STOP TRYING TO MAKE SEXY CLOWNS HAPPEN. THEY ARE NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. If you personally are attracted to clowns and find this list item offensive, EW! That is SO GROSS.
9. Madonna
It doesn’t matter if you think she’s fiercer, scarier, or more over-the-top than ever. She stays in the headlines every single year of her immortal life, and she’ll always be a relevant diva to trash. But just as you retired your Cher outfits, and left Liza Minnelli back at Studio 54 where she belongs, we must send this stale Madonna impersonation shit to its deserved grave. Surely you can think of a new breathtaking beauty to portray. How about Heidi Montag? Maybe you can dress up like Ashley Dupre! Any pop cultural she-wolf is fair game, just so long as you don’t dress up like…
8. Sarah Palin
Do you honestly believe that dressing up as Sarah Palin for Halloween was “your idea?” I bet you also came up with the “whatever” hand gesture and the peace sign red carpet pose, too. Are you responsible for everyone watching Summer Heights High as well? I know you were MySpace friends with Chris Crocker WAY before everyone else was, and listened to MGMT before they were “big.” You know what, Miss Original? Everyone hates you and talks about you behind your back. Sorry, but it’s so sad. No offense. Have fun doing that hilarious accent all week long, because at this rate Austin Powers is more relevant.
7. A Chippendale
Just because Chippendales are supposed to stereotypically portray the ideal of male sex appeal and desirability does NOT mean that Chippendales are hot. Have you ever BEEN to a Chippendales? The men are as bridge-and-tunnel-coyote-ugly as the beastly grannies that fawn over them. Oh, and it doesn’t mean you’re hot either. Because even if you are, the very mental connection with those grease monkeys makes us go soft.
6. A 70s Athlete
If you are the kind of ‘mo who thinks short basketball shorts are actually a funny punchline and not simply a dull wardrobe staple that everyone has lying in a drawer somewhere, welcome to the BIG CITY! ALL YOUR DREAMS ARE ABOUT TO COME TRUE! -Or, you’ll just look retarded.
5. Sexy UPS Man
What are you in some kind of ’90s gay independent film? Are you a strip-o-gram? Let me guess, you have a BIG PACKAGE to DELIVER? Shut up, you’re boring, and my UPS man has more Bronx daddy realness than you can ever glue onto your upper lip. Besides, this one is lazy and it’s been beaten to death with a tape dispenser.
4. Patsy
Maybe this one is some kind of rite of passage since we see so many dozens of them year after year. We all love Patsy, okay? We all like to wear big sunglasses and drink vodka straight from the bottle: we’re human! As long as you are okay with everyone telling you about the time they dressed up as Patsy, how much better their costumes were, and the myriad of other Patsies you will no doubt encounter all night long (many of whom will be drunk enough to fuck you up), by all means: put your sad little stamp on a classic. We bet yours will be really special.
3. Brokeback Mountain
We just don’t know how to quit you. REALLY. We REALLY DON’T KNOW HOW TO QUIT YOU. WE WANT TO QUIT YOU REALLY REALLY FUCKING BADLY AND GET AWAY WITH IT. WE’RE LOOKING FOR WAYS TO QUIT YOU WITHOUT GOING TO PRISON, SO WATCH YOUR BACKS.
2. Batman & Robin
We know that Batman & Robin are the embodiment of gay superhero sex. We understand that you’ve been working extra-hard on those triceps for your little caped crusader outfit this year, and we know that superheroes are always a great way to show off your bod and your love of lycra. We also know that it’s the perfect ensemble for your perfect top/bottom monogamous relationship that you want to throw in everyone’s faces like hydrochloric acid. Okay? WE GET IT. GOT IT. OKAY. FUCKING STOP IT.
1. The Village People
Is it really that tempting to dress up like the Village People? Do you honestly think that’s a cute idea? Any industrious workers with a tool belt, police officers, leather daddies, Native Americans, sailors, Roman military officers, firemen, cowboys, or generic symbols of conventional masculinity should be stripped from your shopping list this year. I think it’s safe to say that we’ve completely stripped all of the masculine and classic properties from these stereotypes and turned them into embarrassing morning-after drug hangover glitter-glazed blemishes on our bacchanal, ridiculous society. Get some dignity for crying out loud, and dress up like the Spice Girls.
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Madonna… for real? Right, like that’s never been done by a gay person before.
I listed my own 10 Gay Halloween Costumes on my blog.
I’m afraid my list is better.
;-)