Like ghosts of Christmas
past, we’ve got queen-crazed TV spots and pornos from days of yore. Like ghosts
of Christmas future, we dip into the internet pool of new media attention
whores. So hunker down and roast some chestnuts on an open bonfire of fake
eyelashes, fuzzy VHS tape and enough neuroses to last you for a dozen holidays!
1. Falcon Exclusives Go Christmas Shopping in the Castro
What do your
favorite porn stars want stuffed in their stockings? “12 inches” is a pretty
straightforward answer, but we don’t know which is more disturbing: that Roman
Heart’s idea of a gift from Santa is Immodium AD or that Erik Rhodes is wearing
fake Hermès.
2. Santa’s Excellent Adventure
In this clip from
spank-studio Man’s Hand Films, a very naughty “boy” gets bent over Santa’s knee
and given the whacking of a lifetime. With classically atrocious porn-skit
acting and audible “action” commands from the director, fetishizing childhood
fears never seemed so retarded (or had so little reward).
3. The Christmas Tree
There’s no relationship like a mom to her Christmas tree-especially
a mom from
Bailey’s?”
4. Janice Dickinson’s Twelve Days Of Christmas
No one works harder at being a fag hag than Janice Dickinson.
But when your face is made of plastic, you’re thrice divorced and you’ve been
axed off of Top Model for being a mean drunk, we can’t help but relate. Bonus:
naked guys!
5. RuPaul’s “Little Drummer Boy”
You know what? We
don’t see the difference between RuPaul and Celine Dion, except that RuPaul’s
voice is better and she knows how to keep it real. Find absolutely no sarcasm
or irony in this video of Ru’s rendition of a holiday classic. We haven’t had this much fun celebrating Christ since Sister Act 2. She better work!
6. The Ambiguously Gay Duo Save Christmas
“Christmas
without Santa would leave a huge hole,” says Ace to
that hole!” Need we go on?
7. Deborah’s 2006 Christmas Card
Because when your cousins, cousins-of-cousins, and family friends-of-cousins send out those heinous
photo greeting cards around the holidays, this is what they’re essentially
doing and it needs to be rubbed in their mental little faces.
8. Snowballing
This vintage clip
from Snowballing (Gentlemen’s Video)
features a trio of 70’s hunks cruising one another on a mountainside, spliced
with a skiing montage, to the Beach Boys’ “I Get Around.” Though not included
here, they later retreat to a lodge and fuck to David Bowie! We wish we were
making this up.
9. Dawn’s Christmas Present (Female Trouble, 1984)
Christmas is
never complete without asking Santa for some cha-cha heels and beating the
living crap out of your parents on Christmas morning. With this scene, John
Waters changed American tradition forever.
10. Miss Piggy & John Denver “Christmas Calypso”
We were thinking
of posting Celine Dion, Cyndi Lauper, or
but we decided that Miss Piggy outshines all three. Not only is she such a diva
that she’ll only sing tropical songs because they’re swimwear-ready, but the
whole John Denver/Muppets holiday album is a great thing to play in order to
turn your children gay. We know
because we lived for it, and still do after all these years.
11. Cyndi Lauper “Winter Wonderland(Live on Martha
Stewart’s Christmas Dream)
Okay, we’re just going
to play this Cyndi Lauper jam anyway. Why? Because look at what Martha is doing! Rolling in the snow all bleary-eyed and
angelic like a baby sleeping on a water lily. Who does she think she is? If you
think your mother gets delusional around the holidays then feast your eyes on
Martha.
12. Joe Boxer’s Christmas Stripper
See title.
What sort of retard fantasy involves dressing up in little boys pajamas and being spanked then fucked by your dad? My dad always came down the chimney, not up it!