The Sword’s Punk – Prep – Professional Guide: Los Angeles

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a primer on fatal drug interactions; a guide to maintaining your sex life on the cheap during the Depression; ideas for what to order so you don’t annoy the bartender at a busy bar; and helpful guides to gay party drugs like coke, poppers, meth, G, and ecstasy.

Today, we bring you this quick gay guide to Los Angeles, focused on 3 types of gay men: Punks (defined loosely as anyone in their 20s/30s who eschews the mainstream); Preps (anyone who’s under 40 and likes brand names/polo shirts); Professionals (anyone over 40 and employed, really).  Also, it’s focused on just 5 essential needs: where to work out, eat, shop, drink, and drink *a lot*.  Enjoy.

Work Out

 

Punk

The patio of Intelligentsia Cafe in Silver Lake (3922 W Sunset Blvd). Ass workout from perching on the fashionably undersized metal chairs; retina workout from eye-rolling at all the lame posers walking by.

 

Prep

24 Hour Fitness Hollywood (6380 W Sunset Blvd) is nested in between two Hollywood mainstays, Amoeba Music and the Arclight Movie Theatre. This gym is known for netting the youngest, hottest crowd in Los Angeles — and that’s saying a lot. Sure, most of the guys who lift here are straight, but it’s not like they’d fuck you if they were gay anyway, so no biggie.

Professional

At Equinox Westwood (10960 Westwood Blvd), the $125 monthly membership is worth it to some, considering the pristine, wood-paneled locker room and all the free towels lying around. Plus, the approachable Neil Patrick Harris works out here. And have you seen his boyfriend? Not. Hot. We’re sure Doogie would go for a furtive handjob in the eucalyptus steamroom.

 

Eat

 

Punk

Fred 62 (1850 N Vermont Ave) is the only place in the city where you can order a chocoloate milkshake with Thai food. And the waiters wear clever slogan T-shirts! A popular lunch spot for the chronically unemployed. Also a popular after-hours diner for whichever drunk people somehow evaded DUIs for the night.

Prep

Birds Cafe (5925 Franklin Ave) is a fun, poultry-centric spot right in the middle of one of our favorite bohomo blocks in Hollywood. The Scientology Celebrity Center is across the street, so when you’re done with your chicken strips, head on over for a Thetan facial.

 

Professional

Are you looking to eat expensive, small-portioned Jew Food above a department store in Beverly Hills? Really? You are? Oh. Weird. Well, then go ahead and give Barney Greengrass a try.

Shop

 

Punk

Lindsay and Samantha were just spotted inside American Rag (126 1/2 S La Brea Ave) last week. Now you too can buy your very own straw fedora! After you’re done maxing out your credit cards, head on over to the delectable La Brea bakery down the street. Pay cash and bury your buyer’s remorse in banana bread.

Prep

Anglophiles love Posers (7419 Melrose Ave), the largest American retailer for some of England’s hottest brands. You’ll look like a sharp lad from post-mod London, only with a circumcised penis and better teeth.

Professional

What would any LA guide be without mentioning the high-priced, high-volume retailer Fred Segal? (Two locations: 500 Broadway in Santa Monica, and 8100 Melrose Ave in West Hollywood.) There’s a restaurant inside and the men’s designer section is as cruisy as a bathhouse, so it’s like three trips in one!

Drink

Punk

Akbar (4356 W Sunset Blvd) is the dark, mingley center of Silver Lake gaydom. While all the lesbians in Dickie’s pants can be annoying, this multi-purposed space offers a full week’s calendar of delightful events, from arts-and-crafts nights to comedy showcases. The weekends serve up one of the drunkest dance floors in the city.

Prep

The long, narrow patio here at Here Lounge (696 N Robertson Blvd) makes for some good people-watching here is good, but it rarely turns into people-meeting; snobbiness has never smelled so much like fear. Still, the boys are pretty, the men are rich, and the v-necks are low. It’s a West Hollywood signature, so give it a try before you too decide you hate it here at Here.

 

 

Professional

East / West (801 Larrabee St) achieves a minimalist sophistication that is rare in the city of peroxide. The musky, clean decor tries and succeeds. The bathrooms are delights. The bartenders, mixologists. The drinks, over-priced. But whatever. If you’re complaining about money then you are clearly missing the point. This bar is for the Angelino who had to squeeze in last month’s Range Rover payment by buying his new duvet at Target.

 

Drink *A Lot*

 

Punk


Mustache Mondays (rotating downtown locations) is a party for ironically-dressed hotties and too-cool-for-school freelance gays who may just be right when they insist that Mondays are the new Fridays.

Prep

Fresh Fridays (8811 Santa Monica Blvd) are the one night when it’s acceptable to venture into Eleven, an otherwise totally lame club. The pretty boys give in to the “OMG It’s Friday night!” vibe and DJ Morningstar spins all the right tunes.

Professional

The drunkest weekday party in Los Angeles, Rimjob at MJs (2810 Hyperion Ave) offers an undulating mosh pit of go-go dancers and East Side daddies. Go to the crowded patio to watch soused bears accidentally burn the shower performers with their cigarette butts. Arrive early or wait in line.
 

 

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