Sex Sells! Promote Your Summer Blockbuster With These Pervy Playthings

Major studio marketing execs seem to be really stepping outside the box on their new sexed up campaigns, and, being professionals at this type of thing, we’ve got a few handy suggestions for the people promoting the rest of the Summer’s forthcoming flicks. After the jump, check out our ideas for some promotional tie-ins that we think will make this season shine.

 


The Incredible Hulk
In theaters June 13, 2008.
Promotion: Go green with a specially branded hulking Cannon Butt Plug!
Why: Because sometimes when the Hulk shows up, despite all the rage and violence he’s kind of a hottie! If we were to see his monster schlong it would probably be about the size of a cannon, which makes this accessory the perfect way to wrap up a night at the local cinema. First you IMAX, then you max yourself out!


WALL-E
In theaters June 27, 2008.
Promotion: Who needs a man when you’ve got machinery? Get robotic with the Joy Rider Fuck Machine!
Why: After being in a movie theater with all those screaming babies, you’re going to need a bit of stress relief. Sustain the emotion brought out by that little man-made robot with your very own, only this one has a fun moving boner attached. Let Wall-E find his way into your heart, and Joy Rider find its way into your asshole.


The Dark Knight
In theaters July 18, 2008.
Promotion: For a really dark night, become the Dark Knight… by hanging upside-down in this neoprene body stocking!
Why: Because we all want to be Batman, so why not be him while getting dominated by a sexy Joker in a creepy clown costume in a dungeon somewhere in the SOMA?


Kung Fu Panda
In theaters today.
Promotion: Treat the kids to a lovable, bouncy, furry bear on the big screen, then treat yourself to a fuckable, bouncy, furry man in a bear costume online at PlushieSchwartz.com!
Why: Because, much like a 3-D animated film that involves Jack Black, it’s funny, retarded, and kind of pointless.


Mamma Mia!
In theaters July 18, 2008.
Promotion: Is some lame fag dragging you to go see Mamma Mia: The Movie? Fear not! With this handy-dandy sensory deprivation mask, you can tune out this piece-of-shit movie and pretend to be invisible!
Why: See above.


The Love Guru
In theaters June 20, 2008.
Promotion: Why go see that movie The Love Guru when you can just take a bunch of viagra and roofie yourself instead?
Why: Because, while we appreciate the attempt, Mike Myers has overstayed his welcome. Also, this drug cocktail will earn you some love from a whole new creepy long-haired guy with a mustache and it won’t seem as obvious nor redundant.


The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2
In theaters August 6, 2008
Promotion: Here, why don’t you just chop your dick off with this cigar cutter?
Why: Because no man, no matter how gay nor rural, should be caught dead at this horrendous Chicken Soup for the Soul-eating vagina festival.

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