[NSFW] ‘Perfect Phallus’ Blogger Jumps the Shark

There are many factors that go into “the perfect penis,” and if you ask me, they are, in decreasing order of importance: thickness, hardness, length, hue and coloration, proportion, balls, skin texture, vein balance, pubic hair, quality of urethra.

But if you ask Mrs. Candy, the cock-eyed writer of The Perfect Phallus, there is just one overriding factor that decides penis excellence, and that’s The Phallic Ratio.

Borrowing from Ancient Greek notions of ideal proportion, Mrs. Candy has decided that the perfect penis must adequately balance the factors x, y1, y2 and y3, which stand respectively for length, mid-shaft circumferance, lower-shaft circumferance and upper-shaft circumferance. Here’s her original equation, with the ideal Phallic Ratio equal to 0.75:

Phallic Ratio = (y1/x)((y2/y1 + y3/1)/2))

But then some commenters of hers pointed out that the equation was erroneous, and cancelled out y1, or mid-shaft circumference. So now the ammended equation is:

Phallic Ratio = (y1/x)*(1-((y1-y2)*(y1-y3)))

The fact that Mrs. Candy’s equation makes no mention of factors like head size and hardness is more than enough evidence that the Phallic Ratio equation is as dumb as you think it is. Anyway, here’s Mrs. Candy’s example of a penis with the perfect ratio of 0.75. It belongs to 34-year-old James from Wisconsin, and I think that the head is just a wee too small for the penis to be considered proportionately perfect.

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Mrs. Candy’s Perfect Phallus (The Perfect Phallus)


0 thoughts on “[NSFW] ‘Perfect Phallus’ Blogger Jumps the Shark”

  1. Hello Paul – The Phallic Ratio is only used to determine the Phallic Aesthetic Balance of a particular Phallus – i.e. whether it looks generally proportional. There are, however, many other factors to consider – and I certainly agree that they include some of those you mention! I also consider uniformity of shaft hue, juxtaposition between shaft hue and the hue of the glans penis, hardness when fully tumescent, the overall composition of the Phallic garden (which includes pubic hair, scrotal hair, hair on the anus and the treasure trail), scrotal hand, testicle size, dorsal and ventral shaft vascularity, and several other factors. I’m glad you took the time to visit my blog.

  2. Paul, I’m going to have to disagree with you on this one. I think the head is in perfect proportion to the shaft, although the girth at the curve seems to be denser on the right side. Which could feasibly present difficulties in oral sex practices, but, then again, sometimes true beauty is in the flaws.

    I’m horny.

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