Royal Raw Auditions 1 has been pulled from shelves on other occasions amidst controversy about the model’s age. (Pictured at right, Rufus Ffoulkes as the adorable Daddy Darby in a different, but equally unnerving, twinksploitation opus.) The distributer pulled the titles voluntarily after receiving journalists’ inquiries from Newsnight in connection with their story.
Presumably given the attention from a major news outlet and the potential of legal action stemming from HIV infections, Icreme, the largest bareback producer in Britain has committed to stop producing bareback in favor of safer-sex features. Requisite quotes denouncing bareback films were obtained from Chi Chi LaRue and her British anti-bareback counterpart, Steven Brewer.
The decision of a major bareback producer to use condoms echoes sentiments by US bareback producer HDK to employ HIV testing. This might be seen as a bellwether, but for the fact of the announcement, two weeks ago, by major US producer Dark Alley Media that future productions by their studio will be entirely “condom-free.”
As per usual with mainstream press attention, the breathless reporting has resulted in the conflation of facts, and the general confusion of us. We’re still sorting out the facts in between covering our eyes, and any one who’s able to make sense of it (good attempt JC, but we’re still confused-but it could be the jet lag).
Editor’s Note: Though nothing about this story is particularly laugh-worthy, we have to note some mild amusement at the BBC’s insistence on referring to Chi Chi LaRue as a “he.”
Porn Stars to Producers: Condoms Not Enough!
Dark Alley Goes Condom-Free in Hawk Debut
Bareback Studio Begins HIV Testing
Chi Chi Attacks Bareback Producers
Three British Bareback Twinks Contract HIV the Old Fashioned Way
As soon as Maddox Jolie-Pitt popped up on the tabloid radar, spawning a veritable army of faux-hawk sporting 2-year-old wannabes from Noe Valley to Park Slope, the phenomenon of the A-List Baby has grown so exponentially that even finding photos of our targets in question took us mere seconds by typing in a Google search without even including their famous moms ‘n dads by name. Now, before you start scratching your head and wondering how fucked up it is to presume the sexual orientation of a toddler, remember that we all grow up presumably straight, and we aren’t the ones sporting a Maddox tattoo (pictured). So, without further ado, our assessment of how your favorite celebabies rank in terms of warning signs:
It’s come to our attention that the gays are obsessed with baby Maddox. Not so much a baby anymore as a small child, we admit that Mad’s got the chic style, trendsetting potential and sheer camera-loving charisma that could make for a fully fabulous fag when he’s older. Recently on an outing to L.A.’s ArcLight cinema, Maddox picked out a pack of “I â™¥ MY PENIS” gum in the gift shoppe, which mom Angelina (notorious ex-gay) had a good laugh over before purchasing for him. However, we note his purported love for guns, dirt-biking with Brad and he was once rumored to have a serious flirtation with a girl at his school. It seems, no matter how crazed the gays might get over Maddox’s fierceness in the tabloids, he’ll probably wind up being one of those straight guys that just likes the attention.
FORECAST: 30% chance of gay.
Gwen Stefani is obviously trying to turn her son gay from birth. We can’t tell if it’s the faux-hawk (noticeably weaker than Maddox Jolie-Pitt’s), the trendy little hoodies, the tendency to wear overpriced baby sunglasses or his dazzling shoe collection, but we also feel like it would be SOOOOOOO like Gwen to try to turn her little boy gay so that no woman will ever be as important to him as she’ll be. Remember when Daisy Lowe, Gavin’s illegitimate model daughter showed up? Gwen was clearly not having it because she is a total diva. However, don’t be surprised if her plan backfires and all she gets is a spoiled little metrosexual Hollywood terror.
FORECAST: 60% chance of gay.
Something tells us we have a live one here. Noticeably shyer than his older sister Apple and certainly a momma’s boy, Moses looks like something of a crybaby in every photo we have of him. He loves his Vincent shoes in a rainbow of colors, and he runs like a girl! Spawned from a sensitive musician and an A-List starlet who can’t go wrong on the red carpet, it makes sense that they might beget a son that’s generally light in the loafers. However, all of these clues might just be attributed to the fact that he’s British.
FORECAST: English with a 70% chance of gay.
Kate Hudson’s son with ex-husband and Black Crowes front man Chris Robinson, Ryder, is possibly the best dressed celebaby in L.A. With his long blonde hair and penchant for hats and clashing patterns, Ryder is the epitome of west coast-cool. He’s post-grunge with a Bob Dylan twist! He’s boho-baby! While we wish we could say he’ll end up representing a gay growing up in the spotlight, we’re sure he’ll wind up an overeducated, environmentalist stoner by the time he hits his twenties, and though his grandma is Goldie Hawn, he’ll probably be more interested in his kick-ass Grandpa Kurt Russell’s campy action flicks than The First Wives Club.
FORECAST: 20% chance of gay.
Madonna will never have a gay son. It’s just physics or something. He’ll never think she’s as fabulous as we do because of all the resentment he’ll have toward her for leaving him in the care of neglectful au pairs who spent all their time digging through medicine cabinets and pilfering diamond eyelashes. He’s been known to make fun of his mom in French at the dinner table, loves hanging out with dad (shoot-em-up director Guy Ritchie) and never leaves the house in anything but a soccer uniform. Not only is he straight, we bet he’ll make a really awesome mate to go out to the pubs and get hammered with.
FORECAST: 0% chance of gay.
We don’t mean to leave the girls out of our gay celebaby countdown, but it’s rare that we actually find a Hollywood tot that hasn’t been prissed out to the nines by her mother. Sure, Violet Affleck is probably just as likely to become a lesbian as Zahara Jolie-Pitt, Suri Cruise, or one of Charlie Sheen’s girls, but she’s the only she-celebaby who’s not afraid to get dirty with the bugs, jump off a swing, pull out her pigtails, and play as hard as the boys. Something tells us she’s going to keep rebelling from here on out. Just look at her eating that nectarine! She doesn’t give… a… FUCK, dude.
FORECAST: 80% chance of lesbian.
Rene Charles Angelil
Oh my Zarf! Celine Dion’s son is 6 years old but she still refers to him as a prince and an angel, refuses to cut his hair, and parades him around Oprah like a little toy poodle. When your mother is the most whimsically insane pop-romance vocalist of all time and you’re raised around giant statues of Siegfried and Roy and used to wearing so much velvet you forget which day is actually Christmas, there’s just no hope. When you already have gayface and you’re not even in 2nd grade, it’s time to face it.
FORECAST: 666% chance of gay.
As our readers keep spying them, we’ll keep decrying them!
You know you love us!
sun damage citywide. In lieu of memories, we dug our cameras out of our short shorts to help jog the memories of The Sword’s Blunder Down Under.
(photos by John Mundy and Michael Stabile)
The day started early, maybe even the day before, with hand-waving bears, Elton John music and Bacardi Breezers.
Absinthe drinkers were known to hallucinate green fairies, so we don’t think we’re too far off in thinking that GHB produces beglittered twinks hawking chicken skewers.
We aren’t sure what sort of visions that a Bacardi Breezer produces-you’ll have to ask San Francisco Supervisor and SF2Oz goodwill ambassador Bevan Dufty.
Later, as the parade got going, Gloss Magazine’s Bevin Shamel (far left), a beaded-SF Treasurer Jose Cisneros and Bloomberg’s Dan Levy (far right) cozy up to some street trade. While brothels are legal in Sydney, this greasy-haired urchin was considered too unhygienic and was eventually traded in for some tickets to Margret Cho.
The urchin eventually ate a glow stick and enjoyed visions of Bevan Dufty.
This Snow White was not felled by a piece of small apple in her windpipe, as in the original fairy tale, but rather by a large Adam’s apple that could not be dislodged.
She should have gone to Bangkok and had it filed down like the rest of us.
We forgot how glamorous smoking was until we saw this beauty.
Or this one. Crypt keeper Kathy Griffin crossed by the SF2Oz delegation while during her very personal march to the “End Joan Rivers Syndrome Now” float.
Oddly, no one stepped up to pirate these music files.
Canadian Mounties may always get their men, but their Australian counterparts only secure weird geisha robots on ketamine.
Trannyshack‘s Heklina cleanses her palate of an Aussie’s outback, then calls for more.
The Bindi Irwin fan club waits for the MDMA to kick in.
Ahh, there we go. With drugs, even the little Aussie’s raps are danceable.
The tie-dyed flag dancers in hot pants may accurately represent San Francisco gay culture, but their presence at the SF2Oz goodwill float might actually cause Oz to restrict future visits.
Gloss Magazine editor and Strong Island resident Bevin Shamel and San Francisco Supervisor Bevan Dufty capture Lord Mayor Clover Moore with a magical string of beads. Soon after, she noticed the flag dancers and had us deported. Currently, she’s in the process of asking San Mateo to take over San Francisco’s sister city duties.
(Click photos to enlarge.)
Prince Harry Enjoyed Serving in Afghanistan, Disappointed by Press Leak (Celebitchy)
Prince Harry Kicks Balls (Queerty)
Perched on his high-rise terrace behind a telescope, Diesel spies on the illicit sexual encounters of gay men all over the naked city, before partaking in some jaw-dropping action himself with his personal valet, played by Steven Ponce, and later with central coverboy Rick Van Sant and Alex Baressi. These scenes don’t only introduce a new Diesel-coined sexual position (ominously titled “The Bully”), but also feature a gratuitous foot-fucking scene in which Diesel shoves his foot up both Rick and Alex’s asses. A “footing” form of revenge? Diesel takes us through his stages of grief upon realizing he wouldn’t be front and center in what he considered to be his first starring vehicle:
1. Shock: “THIS IS MY MOVIE, MY BEST WORK TO DATE AND I’M NOT THE MAIN FEATURE ON THE BOX COVER. I was upset, mad, confused and let down and had some very harsh words for My Company, the Industry and the people closest to me who also worked on this project with me. And I over reacted and was instantly depressed about my future in porn and I felt like I was being used!!!!!!”
2. Denial:“But this movie is my Baby, I worked hard on the scenes and put everything I had into these scenes.”
3. Anger:“The best way to Market the Movie is not to put me as the lead model on the Box Cover why????? why???? Because the movie will sell more copies because there is a Handsome White man on the cover!!!! Period!!!!
While this is Wrong!!!! Most buyers of DVDs buy the movie because the Box cover!!!! If I was on the Box cover, immediately people will think this movie is a Black Movie and the most intense fuck scenes and action will be lost to the public because of a Simple Box cover!!!”
4. Bargaining:“Denzel Washington starred in many movies playing the main character of the movie but always needed a equally star powered White Actor to Co star with him that way the movie didnt become into a Black Movie.”
5. Acceptance:“Geez business is business, if another talented model has to be put on the box cover for my movie to be sold, then so be it. My work will speak for itself, and White America(ignorant part of White America) bought into the hype. Image the shock of buying the movie because of the Extremely Handsome white man on box cover and finding out that the main character of the movie is a Handsome Black man fucking, fisting, and footing the Handsome White Man on the Box Cover. Total mind fuck and I love it!!! Now I don’t want to get political and say this and that but after some hard thinking I’m very happy with the outcome of the movie and Box cover.”
We notice that when held up against the KÃ¼bler-Ross model, Diesel’s stages of grief seem to have injected a lot of exclamation points and narcissism where the depression stage used to be. While we commend Diesel for not drifting into the pseudocidal territory residentially occupied by Erik Rhodes, his frustration is certainly understandable (prominent real estate on the cover of Titan’s Crossing the Line: Cop Shack 2 notwithstanding). You’ve also got to hand it to Titan for featuring a black performer much more prominently than their main industry competitors (they know who they are). As it stands, while we’re certain that Titan was merely showcasing Rick Van Sant as a new addition to their harem of stars, we can’t help but get behind any campaign for more Diesel Washington box covers. With tricks like “the bully” and a foray into “footing” up his sleeve until now, who knows what he’ll dip his toes into next?
Scratching our heads, we give you to Exhibit B: this photo, taken the very same evening, of Tim getting friendly with glass closet princess Anderson Cooper at a charity event. (Also pictured, John Bartlett and Simon Doonan, click to enlarge.)
If we had to guess, Anderson probably represents the sort of dream date that just might bring Tim out of his tower of celibacy for one last go at the love game. So sure, it’s conjecture, but perhaps Tim was trying to drink off his sorrow at having no shot at Anderson (because he seems to go for younger guys) and had no patience for small talk with fans on Thursday evening.
Then! miracle of miracles, this little outtake clip ascended about the blogosphere like a Tim Gunn from the ashes, in which Tim is shown doing a modelicious walk-off with likely Project Runway winner Christian Siriano on the roof of that Atlas condominium building where they shot parts of the show. In the clip, chided for his walk’s decided un-fierceness, our polysyllabic minstrel finds himself suddenly at a loss for words, and at the mercy of Heidi Klum’s bizarre tickle torture. Leave it to Heidi to tickle those blues away!
The Best of Colton Ford (NakedSword)
dyke anthem “Closer to Fine” as “Closer I am To Fine.”
- Trying to scrape the residue of the dog adoption mess off her shoe, Ellen DeGeneres to shills doggy chow so good that people can eat it. Ellen hasn’t tasted it herself, but forces her assistants to, apparently.
In addition to late-night
bush bumpingvlogging sessions, Rosie O’Donnell and shrill houseguest Fran Drescher are working on a “new, fun, happy” sitcom. Our fingers and toes are crossed that she’ll leave Boy George out of this project.
- PageSix hinted that Barbara Walters might not be strictly dickly, quoting an upcoming Vogue interview where she says she “wasn’t very good at marriage” and that “having somebody to go to a dinner” was the best thing about matrimony. Now that you mention it, she does kinda give us a Bea Arthur vibe.
- Sex and the City star Cynthia Nixon gave an interview in which she talks about the
manmannish gal she’s been shacked up with the last few years and how frustrating it is when fans (the batshit crazy ones) can’t separate her life from her character’s.
1. Fit Bodies Don’t Come From the Gym
They come from swimming. And cycling.
And hiking. And climbing. While American gays lock themselves on Nazi treadmills
and attempt to activate multiple muscle groups with super-sets and tips from
Men’s Health, Australians prefer getting their bodies the old fashioned way:
earning it through exercise. They are fags, of course, so it’s not like they’ve
entirely abandoned the gym, but the end result is beefcake that feels more
honest and less, uh, sculpted.
2. Ginger is Hot
American fags tend to
treat the fair and fiery as well, red-headed stepchildren, but Down Under, their
practically royalty-and we’re not even talking about Prince Harry. Red,
orange or strawberry blonde, Australia’s the red-head homeland. Wait-actually
that’s Ireland, but it doesn’t really count because it’s cold and gays don’t
really go there.
3. School Uniforms are Hotter
American fags try to
adopt a similar stylistic pose-cardigans and vests, a splash of argyle,
skinny club ties-but nothing beats the inspiration that comes from packs of
rowdy youth, simulateously starched and disheveled. Not that we’re out to fuck
the kids (well, not entirely-see #4), but they serve the same purpose that a
13-year-old waif runway model serves for the dowager who buys the clothes-something to which she can aspire.
4. The Age of Consent is 16
may seem like we’re advocating youth sex tours to Oz, and honestly, aside from
Zac Efron we don’t even really GET twinks, but the idea that you can ogle a
high-school junior and not be called a pervert, or fear that you’re going to get
arrested when he lets you blow him in the bushes, certainly gets the blood
5. Parades are Better at Night
Whose idea was it to start a
Pride Parade at the crack of dawn? While great for tweakers and PFLAG moms,
early morning parades means that most fags sleep through them, or that they
start drinking at breakfast. Sydney’s gay Mardi Gras parade doesn’t start until
it gets dark, leaving you time to snore off the previous nights hangover, maybe hit
the gym and even grab an afternoon snooze. And, of course, the lighting’s better.