So, for those of us who haven’t yet got our dates nailed down with Betty Ford/Promises, let us offer you the following bits of advice from some completely unlicensed professionals.

No More Coke Til Your Birthday

For the Aquarian cokeheads among you, this won’t be much of a tall order, but for those Leos and Virgos who like a little blowcaine with their Friday, resolving to lay off until summer could prove unrealistic. And god help you Scorpios who we all know can’t say no.

Only Oral in the Steam Room

This should be easy, even for the whores: do all your usual weekend shit online/at the baths/in the gym steam room, and save the big boy sex for when you know their first and last names. Okay, at least their first name.

Only Wine on Weekdays

Staying on the wagon was easy back in the 50s, when a glass of white wine was a sure sign somebody was cutting back on bourbon. We’re big fans of this resolution, which is sort of like AA without the sponsor, or the discipline.

No More Making YouTube Videos When You’re Tweaking

This one should be obvious to everyone.

Delete Your Manhunt Account

What’s that you say? You don’t know how to pick up men in bars? Perhaps this is a time to give your man parts a long-needed rest. Or maybe it’s just time you checked out a new slew of guys on, say, Adam4Adam or OutPersonals.

No More Drinking Til You Puke

This is a good grown-up resolution, and one that really isn’t so hard most nights. Think about it this way—hooking up offline will be so much easier when you can still speak and walk without help.

Spend Less Money on Booze, Drugs and Clothes

Consider taking a laycation, or just spend it on porn instead.

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