Magical Gender Analyzer Quantifies Drag Queen Realness

Research scientists at UClassify.com have developed a tool that analyzes blog entries for tell-tale grammatical constructions and deduces if the author is a man or a woman. (Think of it as a really, really useful version of the computer that figured out Joe Klein wrote Primary Colors, but with more opportunity for homophobic slander.)

Admittedly, up until we discovered the Gender Analyzer, we never really had much of a problem determining the gender of a particular blogger — I mean, we all know that Arianna Huffington is packing heat, right? Still, we did a little poking around and made some ASTOUNDING discoveries.

1. A Certain Drag Queen Needs to Work on Her  “Realness”
While the Gender Analyzer determined that Lady Bunny, RuPaul, Hedda Lettuce and Sister Roma are all women based on their blogorrhea, MyComrade.com’s Linda Simpson got outed as a man. The jigs up, Linda — put down that straight boy now!

2. Lesbians Pass As Men Without Even Trying

The Gender Analyzer identified an XY pairing in the musings of Suze Orman, Rachel Maddow and comedianne Kate Clinton, concluding that they were all men (and lumberjacks at that). Even lipstick licker Lindsey Lohan was pronounced gender neutral despite multiple references to her fondness for leggings.

3. Fags are Manlier Than You’d Think, Except for Jason Curious

While the lesbians fooled the meter with their gruff voices and no-nonsense twitter, it gave butch realness props to gay news sites like Towleroad and Queerty. Print out that web page and take it to the bar, ladies — it’s like a free Get Laid coupon! Sirius OutQ Radio Host Derek Hartley didn’t fare as well: turns out his blog is “gender neutral (with a slight preference for female).” The “preference for female” may in fact refer to Jason Curious, whose purple prose earned him a vagina from the Gender Analyzer. Of course, it’s also possible the computer realized that the picture of Liza was, in fact, Ms. Curious in drag.

4. Rosie O’Donnell is an Incomprehensible Ogre.
What does computer make of Rosie’s mysterious poetry blog? It doesn’t! Computer apologizes, but it “can only classify pages written in English” not Shrekian. blesses RO btr luck/next time.

5. In case you were wondering, GenderAnalyzer thinks we’re Miss Teen South Carolina.
Which we are. Screw you, haters.

RELATED:

Tranny Snatches Election
Jason Curious: If These Blogs Could Talk
Jason Curious’ Little Earthquake
In the Face of Tranny Britney, The Hoff Questions His Sexuality
Marc Jacobs’ Wonderful Week in a Skirt


Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

The maximum upload file size: 50 MB. You can upload: image. Links to YouTube, Facebook, Twitter and other services inserted in the comment text will be automatically embedded. Drop file here

Scroll to Top