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Written by mike
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Wednesday, 02 July 2008 11:07 |
Historically, the 4th of July has meant drunk rednecks, Ford trucks and Chinese firecrackers. For us, however, the 4th has been all about hiding in the bushes masturbating while the older kids skinny dipped and, more recently, passing out after an afternoon of high-fructose pasta salad, imported beer and hash brownies. Once again, we look to porn to help us parse the multiple signifiers of this grand American tradition.
American Made
This must have been when the dollar was stronger. If it were produced
now, there'd be a whole city in the Zhejiang Province dedicated solely
to the manufacture of unshorn gay-for-pay hunks.
Paul Baressi's Historic Affairs
If you show us a costume drama, I swear we will find SOME WAY to
include it in a list like this. The fact that this one includes a man
wearing a colonial tricorne and a shirtless white injun means our date
with destiny has already begun.
American Lover
Does porn always have to be so damned uncreative? Would Love, American Style taken that much more effort?
Spread Eagles
Granted, David Bowie's sister is on the cover, and doesn't look
particularly patriotic (it bills itself as "a Fellini-esque,
psychedelic, kaleidoscope fantasy"), but it does reference our national
symbol obliquely and, hey, at least they skipped the "bald" part.
Phil St. John's All American Beauties
If fuzzy-hat wearing, double-penetration-loving Phil St. John is
selling, we're buying. Plus, in the third scene a guy sticks and orchid
stem in his pee-hole, which is just the sort of thing we could imagine
trying after seventeen little bottles of Lynchburg Lemonade.
A Few Good Men
There are actually two porn movies named this, but only this one had a cracked out twink wearing a pie tin.
Fleet Week
This probably refers to the enema brand and not the temporary
colonization of cities like San Francisco and New York, but if Falcon
could get Erik Rhodes to stand-up long enough to shoot this, then we'll
shoot off a few fireworks in support.
Red White and Blew
I geddit! I geddit! Blew! Three cheers, as they say in the song.
Florida Erection
Can you think of something less sexy than Al Gore whining through our
long national nightmare? Aside from Cindy McCain in a negligee,
neither could we. That said, if you show me a muscles, flags and a
hairy bush, I'll salute.
Bottom of the 9th: Little Big League Three
Just be thankful we spared you any sexy references to Mom and apple pie. Because the options are there.
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