How to Avoid Dying in a Porn Theatre Fire Like Those 15 Japanese Guys Did

This is our biggest fear, by the way: a double-whammy nightmare scenario of not only dying in a freak accident, but dying inside a porn theatre to boot. Death is bad; death with your feet stuck to the floor and your dick in your hand is worse. Imagine a widow who must not only grapple with her husband’s death, but also with the realization that he wasn’t at the market buying shiitake mushrooms after all, but instead taking in a firefighter gangbang.

So, in closing, a servicey note from The Sword: when visiting a porn theater/ bathhouse, or similar, before noting the location of heinous trolls to avoid later, first make a deliberate round to identify primary and alternate escape routes.

Second, always be sure to tell a friend where you keep your secret stash of fart porn. In case of sudden death, we all need someone to count on to destroy the evidence of our shameful pathologies before Mom enters our apartments to tearfully collect our belongings.

Lastly, dear reader, we urge you never to follow a creepy guy with dead eyes back to his trailer in the woods — unless he’s hot

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Fire Kills 15 Men at Osaka Adult Video Theater (Reuters)

(photo credit: Martin Berube)

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