Being the desperate idiot I am, I clicked a link to The Advocate to read what their take would be on Jodie Foster’s big anti-coming out, pro-celebrity privacy speech, and instead of being lulled to sleep like usual, I LOL’d (literally, I laughed out loud) at the gigantic picture of editor in chief Matt Breen’s face staring (glaring?) at me. Stop looking at me! Imagine if for every article you opened on The Sword, there was a picture of my face, 10x larger than the font and taking up over 1/3 of the left side of the screen, shooting daggers at you with piercing eyes and a half-cocked grin that either says “I want to fuck you” or “I am the guy on the wall in the Supercuts.” Jesus!
I would hope you would never click on my articles again, because no one should be subjected to this when all they are trying to do is find out about Jodie Foster. Please, God, can someone put Jodie Foster’s Golden Globes speech into some sort of context so that I can be at peace with myself and my love for Jodie Foster? No! Instead:
Oh, Matthew Breen went on to write some words about Jodie Foster, and I’m sure he did a horrible/boring job of excusing whatever it is she needs to be excused for, but I didn’t read any of them. I gave up.
I give up. I’m not clicking any more links. Get your face out of my face.
(And as far as Jodie Foster goes: Can’t someone just be a total fucking crazy person without people having to write 800 or 3000 words about her? What more should anyone expect from the person who is BFF’s with the man who gave us “sugar tits”?)