5 Ways to Ease Your Valentine’s Pain
We thought we’d count down on this one, just for shits, and dramatic effect…
5. Make Your Own Candy Hearts. In between cruising Manhunt and updating your status on Facebook (Johnny is… about to swallow a bunch of pills), head on over to the Candy Hearts Generator, c/o Despair, Inc. Pictured at right is actually Lady Bunny’s heart of choice, which we thought was funnier than our heart, which just said, “Hurry Death.” The character limit is pretty short (those hearts are small!) so choose your words wisely. Here are ours. For next year, you may just want to order a ready-made box of dejected hearts to send to someone from Bittersweets. We especially like the one that says “U Have A Blog.”
4. Sleep With One Of Your Married Friends. Choire Sicha, formerly the Managing Editor at Gawker and fellow gay, makes the argument in the New York Observer that the marrieds and pseudo-married “cat-sharers” we call our friends need to start giving back to the less fortunate. As he puts it, “Any gay man in his 20s or 30s (who has not made the mistake
himself of fake-marrying, and there are plenty enough of those) can
tell you that in the past five years, he’s probably lost more friends
to marriage and babies than he has to H.I.V… [and all] they give back are catered dinner parties.” We’re happy enough when our friends find love, but being as bored with all the “marriage” and “commitment” talk as we are, we’d be just as happy if our friends found love again, outside their marriage, and proved us right about this whole “institution” being a fraud in the first place. And who better to find love with (especially if they’re cute with nice arms) than us! C’mon. It’ll be exciting. And we swear we won’t call all the time or try to kill ourselves or boil your kid’s bunny.
3. Order Up a Hooker. Sometimes getting it for free is more trouble-and way less fun-than it’s worth. And hey, we hear Rentboys are especially tasty this season (and we love their “Outcalls only! Cash up front!” Wobblies-style chant every awards show), though Men4RentNow.com and Craigslist shouldn’t be discounted. J. Lo be damned, a star’s love does cost a thing (generally around $250 an hour for a star of any renown). Dedicated consumer advocates that we are, we’re currently testing them our first annual Valentine’s Buyers’ Guide tomorrow.
2. Drink a Pint of Jack Daniels and Fill Out a Profile on One of Those Gay LTR Sites. You may be tempted, as the night wears on, to surf onto sites like Quirkyalone.net and celebrate your quirky alone-ness on what also happens to be Quirkyalone Day! Whatever the Christ you do on this night, please don’t do that. We’d actually respect you more if you just got drunk and started filling out a profile on one of those newfangled gay matchmaking sites like Partnerforlife.com or MyPartner.com. Partnerforlife is just launching today! And as they so succinctly, and self-satisfiedly remind us, “M4M is great. LTR is better.” Fuck you. Like Joni Mitchell says: “We love our lovin’, but not like we love our freedom.”
1. Drink a Pint of Jack Daniels, Watch Some Porn and Pass Out. Or hell, make it a fifth. We would prefer to delay the worst hangover of our lives until after the GayVN awards this weekend, but speaking of the GayVN’s, why not head over to Nakedsword and order up one of the nominated films, such as Raging Stallion’s GRUNTS, Falcon’s Dare, or Titan’s Gunnery Sgt. McCool. Blow a load and go to sleep, Sweet Prince. Tomorrow is another day.